Il processo di formazione di una famiglia adottiva è lungo e spesso ricco di difficoltà.
Il primo passo che attende la coppia genitoriale nel percorso verso questo obiettivo è sentirsi legittimati a curare e crescere il figlio adottivo, ovvero “legittimarsi nel proprio ruolo”.
Volendo usare una metafora, è come se esistesse una sedia per ciascuno dei componenti la coppia adottiva: una deputata alla madre e una deputata al padre.
Due sedie, entrambe vuote.
E’ importante che il genitore adottivo abbia ben presente questo concetto.
Indipendentemente dalla causa, il genitore biologico ha ormai lasciato quella sedia e il genitore adottivo ha tutti i diritti di occupare un posto che altrimenti rimarrebbe vuoto.
Non si tratta, quindi, di mandar via o rimpiazzare nessuno in un ruolo: il genitore adottivo arriva nel momento in cui quella sedia è già stata lasciata.
Occorre quindi avere ben presente la distinzione tra chi genera e chi cresce.
Occupata quella sedia, il genitore adottivo assume il ruolo genitoriale di colui che fa crescere, “legittimato” dalla rinuncia operata dal genitore che ha generato.
Ecco dunque che vengono a delinearsi tre compiti che il genitore adottivo è chiamato ad assolvere a favore di suo figlio.
Ogni bambino che arriva all’adozione porta dentro di sé la ferita dell’abbandono, dove la perdita improvvisa dei punti di riferimento e la percezione di essere rifiutato hanno segnato profondamente il suo percorso di crescita 1.
I genitori adottivi hanno la funzione di fornire al bambino una chiave di interpretazione dei fatti accaduti e di aiutarlo ad elaborare la sofferenza dell’abbandono e la costruzione della sua identità come figlio adottivo. Questa capacità della coppia deriva dall’abilità di mettere in parola i sentimenti, gli stessi sentimenti di lutto che essi hanno vissuto e sperimentato confrontandosi con la sterilità 2. E’ così che genitori e figlio si riconoscono reciprocamente nell’altro, si accolgono e si riconoscono come famiglia.
I bambini adottivi hanno una propria storia alle spalle, unica e particolare per ciascuno, che i genitori hanno il delicato compito di custodire finché non avranno un’età sufficiente per comprenderla.
Nel frattempo essi hanno il dovere di raccontargliela con metafore e termini adatti all’età, evento che permette al bambino di sentirsi parte di quella nuova famiglia e questo racconto dovrà essere negli anni modificato ma soprattutto arricchito 3.
Altrettanto importante è narrare al figlio la storia d’amore dei genitori adottivi, come si sono conosciuti e uniti, affinché egli possa comprendere le sue origini all’interno della famiglia adottiva che costituiranno la base per lo sviluppo della sua identità.
Questa parte si rende necessaria in adolescenza, periodo particolare sia per la vita del ragazzo che per la vita familiare. Qui il ragazzo sviluppa la propria identità costruendo un ponte tra passato e futuro, operando una sorta di verifica di tutto il suo percorso di adozione. Egli deve rielaborare la sua storia in termini nuovi, elaborare l’abbandono ponendo nuove domande per non rimanervi imbrigliato, rivedere il suo senso di appartenenza alla famiglia adottiva per riuscire poi a separarsene.
I genitori adottivi devono tornare a fare i conti con quelli biologici che hanno creduto di poter sostituire e si possono sentire traditi e di non bastare più al proprio figlio.
L’abilità di contenere si traduce quindi nella capacità di tollerare la rabbia e l’aggressività tipiche di questa fase, consapevoli che si trattano di emozioni riferite ai genitori biologici assenti. Questo però non deve minare la consapevolezza dei genitori del valore del proprio ruolo e delle loro capacità, riconoscendo dietro questi atteggiamenti null’altro che il bisogno del ragazzo di risposte.
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