Il momento della vita più carico di aspettative è l’attesa di un figlio.
I futuri genitori infatti non posso fare a meno di porsi domande e fantasticare sull’aspetto che avrà il loro bambino. Si immaginano i tratti somatici, le caratteristiche comportamentali, le qualità e i difetti.
Nel caso di una gravidanza biologica, la coppia si basa sulle proprietà possedute dagli altri membri della famiglia in termini di eredità genetica.
Diversamente, le coppie in attesa di adozione non possono fare affidamento su questo processo. Si affidano dunque unicamente alla propria immaginazione.
E’ qui che può nascere uno dei maggiori conflitti che rischia di vanificare il successo di un’adozione.
Nel periodo della gravidanza, come durante il tempo dell’attesa per le coppie adottive, i pensieri di ciascuno si concentrano sul ruolo genitoriale, sul ruolo che assumerà il proprio partner, sul rapporto che si instaurerà col bambino. Si sogna il loro erede, si immagina l’età, l’aspetto fisico. In particolare i genitori adottivi pensano anche all’ambiente in cui ha vissuto fino al momento del loro arrivo.
E tutte queste domande spesso non trovano risposte immediate nella realtà.
La coppia quindi si affida all’immaginazione.
Nella loro mente si crea l’idea del figlio tanto desiderato, il cosiddetto “bambino immaginario”, che somiglierà il più possibile alle loro aspettative.
Questa rappresentazione non è altro che il frutto di desideri e sogni che ciascun genitore ha maturato negli anni.
Queste due figure verranno inevitabilmente messe a confronto nel momento dell’incontro dei genitori adottivi col bambino. E molto spesso queste due figure entrano in conflitto.
Quando queste aspettative genitoriali non vengono soddisfatte e confermate, la coppia può sperimentare sentimenti di forte ansia e preoccupazione. Essi possono così arrivare a negare l’esistenza di un problema oppure a ricercarne dove non ce ne sono, alimentando l’angoscia per il successo dell’adozione.
Il rischio per i futuri genitori adottivi è di utilizzare questa rappresentazione come termine di paragone con cui si approccerà il bambino reale.
Risulta quindi fondamentale esplorare ed elaborare adeguatamente queste aspettative durante il tempo dell’attesa, in modo che la coppia adottiva riesca a creare uno spazio mentale1 dedicato unicamente al bambino reale che proviene dall’esterno e non dal proprio interno. In questo modo comincia a prendere forma l’investimento affettivo che la coppia dispone verso il figlio adottivo, fattore che garantisce l’integrazione del bambino immaginario con quello reale.
Questo risultato è raggiungibile unicamente attraverso la creazione di uno spazio mentale deputato appunto alla fusione tra bambino reale e immaginario, in seguito all’elaborazione della mancanza di una propria generatività.
Tuttavia la rappresentazione mentale del bambino immaginario permane nella mente dei genitori anche quando avranno completato l’adozione. Essa rappresenta un ipotetico pericolo unicamente nel momento in cui il genitore richiede al figlio adottivo in modo diretto o indiretto di adeguarsi ad essa.
Ma com’è il bambino immaginario?2
Molte caratteristiche attribuitegli rispecchiano aspettative specifiche dei futuri genitori.
Ad esempio, il bambino “erede”, il bambino “stampella”, il bambino “medaglia d’oro”, il bambino “clone”, il bambino “rassicurazione”.
Altre caratteristiche sono legate al bisogno, comune in numerose coppie in attesa di adozione, di un bambino senza passato. In altre parole, essi sognano inconsciamente che il proprio bambino cominci la sua vita nel momento in cui entra a far parte nel nucleo familiare adottivo.
La diretta, inconscia e talvolta scontata conseguenza è l’annullamento della storia pregressa del bambino, una storia che non può e che non deve avere spazio nella nuova vita. Come già accennato, sarebbe un errore oltre che un profondo danno al bambino stesso, poiché è proprio in questa storia che crescendo egli ricercherà le radici della sua identità.
Tuttavia, in una situazione simile, al bambino arriva la tensione del genitore ancorato al bambino immaginario e percepisce chiaramente il messaggio, anche se indiretto, che il genitore gli sta trasmettendo.
Talvolta, però, il bambino ha un’età ancora infantile, è carico di numerose e proprie aspettative circa i nuovi genitori, e si adegua alle richieste del genitore. In questo modo soddisfa la sua paura di essere nuovamente abbandonato, assecondando e compiacendo il genitore adottivo, ma mette in serio pericolo una parte della sua identità3.
Adottare un bambino significa accettarlo nella sua totalità, con le sue caratteristiche fisiche, il suo comportamento, la sua personalità e la storia di cui è portatore.
Il compito della coppia adottiva quindi non è quello di cancellare dalla propria mente il bambino immaginario, ma di non comportarsi in maniera idealizzante. In altre parole, occorre che essi siano aperti e disponibili ad accogliere il bambino in tutta la sua originalità e il suo valore, insieme all’accettazione della mancata soddisfazione delle proprie aspettative.
1 Santona A.M.R., (2003). Trasformazione della coppia nel percorso verso la genitorialità adottiva. In Minorigiustizia, n1.
2 Dell’Antonio A., (1986). Le problematiche psicologiche dell’adozione nazionale e internazionale.
3 Paradiso L.,(1999). Prepararsi all’adozione. Le informazioni, le leggi, il percorso formativo personale e di coppia per adottare un bambino.
Crotti M., (2006) Adottare e lasciarsi adottare.
Galli J., ( 2001) Indicatori di rischio e fallimento adottivo. In Galli J., Viero F., (a cura di) Fallimenti adottivi. Prevenzione e riparazione, pp. 11- 28.
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