3 CONSIGLI UTILI
Essere dei bravi genitori è il sogno e l’obiettivo di ciascuna coppia.
L’amore che lega un genitore al proprio figlio è un sentimento unico e profondo che spinge a fare tutto quanto in suo possesso per la sua crescita.
Eppure non tutti riescono nella stessa misura.
Ciò è il risultato di numerose variabili che intercorrono nella vita di una persona in un determinato momento della stessa. Variabili quali lo stato socio-economico, la presenza di una rete di supporto sociale, il sostegno della famiglia allargata, la propria esperienza personale come figlio, una patologia medica conclamata e altre ancora.
Esistono dunque dei fattori chiamati “protettivi”, i quali possono contribuire all’instaurarsi di una funzione genitoriale sufficientemente buona anche in presenza di situazioni compromesse.
Si tratta di fattori relazionali e intrinseci, che possono essere già presenti spontaneamente negli individui, oppure possono configurarsi a posteriori come obiettivi di un lavoro terapeutico familiare. Si prendono in considerazione, quindi, quelle situazioni in cui i genitori hanno inconsapevolmente messo in atto schemi di comportamento potenzialmente dannosi per i propri figli durante l’infanzia e i quali non sono riusciti a provvedere negli anni dell’adolescenza con un’adeguata riparazione.
Come è uso comune dire, “meglio tardi che mai”. Ed è proprio questo l’obiettivo: adottare strategie compensatorie rispetto ad eventi e relazioni disfunzionali instaurate in passato, anche nel caso in cui siano trascorsi molti anni.
Ecco tre consigli che possono acquisire una funzione riparativa in casi simili 1.
Riconoscimento da parte dei genitori dei propri limiti ed errori
Col termine riconoscimento si vuole evidenziare quel movimento autocritico operato dal genitore che accorda al figlio il permesso di vedere chiaramente le proprie fragilità. Ne consegue, quindi, che genitore e figlio possono prendere consapevolezza insieme delle ricadute che queste hanno avuto sulla loro relazione, dando l’opportunità al genitore di assumersene la responsabilità. Quest’ultima azione, in particolare, spesso assume una connotazione liberatoria per il figlio, il quale sovente si è sentito carico o colpevole di talune responsabilità e che contribuisce a ridurne l’impatto negativo. In questo modo, si opera chiarezza sulla relazione e ciascuno può assumersi la propria parte in questo gioco di ruoli familiari e il figlio può essere salvato dalla confusione relativa alla propria posizione all’interno del nucleo familiare.
Questo atteggiamento è vivamente consigliato, dal momento che un comportamento contrario e di occultamento di questi aspetti è in grado di confondere significativamente il figlio e a lungo tempo sopraffare le sue risorse personali e opportunità ambientali, conducendolo nelle situazioni più gravi alla devianza.
Questi comportamenti sono particolarmente diffusi nelle situazioni di adozione, affido e collocazioni extra familiari di adolescenti in grave difficoltà. Risulta particolarmente importante in questi casi il riconoscimento da parte dei genitori naturali della loro, seppur temporanea, inidoneità a svolgere la funzione genitoriale, così che il figlio possa investire affettivamente in un’altra relazione primaria con figure di riferimento più adeguate senza sentire di tradire la propria famiglia biologica.
Tuttavia, il riconoscimento dell’esistenza di problemi intra familiari non compensa le precedenti carenze, né tantomeno preserva i figli dall’esposizione ad esperienze traumatiche. Contribuisce però a confermare la veridicità delle loro percezioni e li difende da uno stato di constante e patologica confusione.
Inoltre, questa operazione messa in atto anche nelle situazioni più difficili e caratterizzate da una profonda impossibilità a recuperare relazioni pesantemente compromesse, possiede un effetto riparativo potente. Il figlio si trova così nella condizione di poter coniugare il dispiacere per la condizione di inadeguatezza propria del genitore con la possibilità di conservare dentro di sé ciò che di buono egli è riuscito a dargli.
Capacità di fruire di relazioni almeno parzialmente compensative
In alcune coppie l’equilibrio della funzione genitoriale non risulta equamente suddiviso tra le parti. Anche qui, come già accennato, i fattori che contribuiscono alla creazione di una simile situazione sono numerosi, e possono andare da fattori individuali legati alla propria storia personale sino alla presenza di psicopatologie. Ciononostante, non è possibile identificare un legame causale diretto tra attiva funzione genitoriale e psicopatologie in età adulta 2.
Tuttavia, risultano significative le capacità del figlio di cogliere quanto piùd è possibile dalla funzione genitoriale più disponibile. In altre parole, in situazioni in cui la funzione genitoriale risulta gravare pesantemente su un genitore piuttosto che sull’altro, il figlio sperimenterà delle carenze affettiva da parte di quel genitore, ma può sperimentare una relazione adeguata con l’altro.
E’ quindi possibile trovarsi di fronte a coppie genitoriali in cui uno dei due usufruisce di una relazione parzialmente compensativa nei confronti di un partner che è in grado di sopperire alle carenze dell’altro in modo energico e protettivo. Ciò dà luogo a una coppia genitoriale funzionante, per quanto non equilibrata al suo interno. Ne consegue che essa si rivela capace di crescere sufficientemente bene i propri figli.
La presenza, dunque, di un genitore adeguato e funzionante nel suo ruolo può compensare direttamente le mancanze cui è soggetto il figlio. Questo è possibile anche in maniera indiretta grazie al sostegno e alla solidarietà con l’altro genitore. Questi due aspetti insieme possono prevenire il rischio di fallimento delle relazioni tra genitori e figli 3.
Capacità di chiedere aiuto
Occorre qui fare una distinzione preliminare tra il “bisogno” di aiuto e la capacità di “chiedere” aiuto.
Il bisogno di un aiuto in situazioni difficili può essere ben presente nell’individuo, nonostante talvolta non ve ne sia consapevolezza. E anche nei casi in cui la persona ne sia consapevole, trasformare il bisogno in azione non risulta sempre un passaggio banale e scontato.
La capacità di chiedere aiuto sottintende l’accesso a un livello di consapevolezza che permette all’individuo di interrogarsi sugli eventuali traumi sperimentati e di elaborare le emozioni sottostanti. Ciò comporta la conoscenza e la capacità di usufruire appieno delle proprie risorse personali interne, anche se limitate e discontinue, acquisite nel proprio percorso di crescita.
Questa caratteristica sembra essere particolarmente evidente in alcuni adulti, i quali, nonostante siano in possesso di una storia personale segnata da gravi carenze nella relazioni con i propri genitori e dall’assenza di una figura di riferimento sostitutiva, sono riusciti a raggiungere un equilibrio personale soddisfacente.
I figli, trovandosi in una situazione in cui i genitori in difficoltà metteranno in atto una richiesta di aiuto, percepiscono la presenza di questa particolare capacità e la faranno propria attraverso un apprendimento per imitazione. Risulta molto probabile, quindi, che quando essi si troveranno in difficoltà facciano ricorso a loro volta a questa capacità, acquisita anni prima dai propri genitori.
Si tratta, quindi, di un valore acquisito dalle figure genitoriali che ha una funzione protettiva nei confronti dell’atteggiamento che i figli avranno nei confronti delle difficoltà che incontreranno lungo il loro cammino.
1 Bertetti B., Chistolini M., Rangone G., Vadilonga F., (2003) “L’adolescenza ferita. Un modello di presa in carico delle gravi crisi adolescenziali”. Ed. Franco Angeli.
2 Kaufman C., Grünbaum H., Cohler B., Gamer E. (1979) “Super kids: competent children of schizophrenic mothers”, American Journal of Psychiatry.
3 Murray L., Cooper P. (1992) “Clinical application of attachment theory and research: change in infant attachment with brief psychotherapy”, Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 34, 1038-1102.
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