Le feste natalizie sono sempre un periodo delicato per le famiglie divorziate, separate o che stanno imboccando questo percorso.
Si tratta di un periodo dell’anno particolare, dedicato alla famiglia e che solitamente si trascorre con i familiari. E’ comune sentirsi tristi o infastiditi, possono riaffiorare ricordi dolorosi legati alle festività passate. In aggiunta la realtà è costantemente davanti ai propri occhi come a ricordare quotidianamente ciò che non c’è più.
Per superare una separazione 1 occorre elaborare il lutto ad essa connesso. Esatto, bisogna fare i conti con un vero e proprio lutto, perché a prescindere dalla situazione che si è venuta a creare, si sperimenta un senso di perdita.
Sono largamente conosciute le varie fasi di elaborazione del lutto e della perdita 2 :
La negazione o il rifiuto
Questa fase iniziale è caratterizzata dal rigetto della realtà, la quale viene percepita come impossibile o come se non stia accadendo proprio a se stessi. Si assiste a una condizione di congelamento della persona e della situazione, sperimentando sentimenti di impotenza e incredulità.
Ciò ha tuttavia la funzione di proteggere la persona da un’eccessiva ansia e paura. Funge come una sorta di cuscinetto tra la persona e l’evento critico che garantisce la possibilità di prendersi del tempo per organizzarsi.
La rabbia
Il primo approccio all’evento critico suscita immediatamente rabbia e paura che se non vengono correttamente elaborate possono pericolosamente esplodere.
Si tratta di una fase molto importante e delicata, dedicata alla riflessione, in cui su ricercano le motivazioni e le cause che hanno condotto la persona a quel punto della sua vita, ripercorrendo gli errori commessi e i torti subiti.
Può essere un momento di massima richiesta di aiuto, ma allo stesso tempo di rifiuto e di chiusura in sé.
Il patteggiamento
Qui si comincia ad affrontare la questione, prendendo in considerazione le proprie risorse e i propri limiti, valutando cosa si è in grado di fare e in quali progetti vale la pena investire.
Comincia così la negoziazione col partner in merito alle questioni più pratiche della nuova vita che si andrà a delineare, in particolar modo in merito alla gestione dei figli.
In questa fase la persona riprende il controllo della propria vita e si attiva per ripararla o ricostruirla.
La tristezza
A questo punto la persona comincia a prendere consapevolezza della perdita che sta subendo, aumentando così anche la sofferenza ad essa collegata.
Si tratta però di una sofferenza attiva, poiché consente di prendere coscienza di diversi aspetti della propria identità e della propria immagine, del proprio potere decisionale e delle proprie relazioni sociali. Tutti aspetti che possono essere persi, rinnovati, riscoperti o costruiti da zero.
La negazione e la rabbia vengono qui sostituite da un forte senso di sconfitta, di colpa e di fallimento. Fallimento verso l’ex-coniuge, verso se stessi, verso i propri valori, verso le promesse fatte e non mantenute, verso i propri figli e il loro diritto a crescere sereni nella loro famiglia.
L’accettazione
Si raggiunge qui il termine dell’elaborazione del lutto, giungendo un’accettazione della propria condizione e di quanto sta accadendo nella propria vita.
E’ possibile che persistano sentimenti di rabbia e tristezza, ma hanno intensità ridotta rispetto alle fasi precedenti.
Solo a questo punto si riesce a pensare alla situazione e ad agire in maniera serena, operando scelte in maniera lucida e ponderando adeguatamente le alternative.
Ciò non significa che i sentimenti descritti precedentemente siano scomparsi, essi possono persistere ancora per diverso tempo, ma è come se passassero in secondo piano, come se venissero accettati come parte di sé e della situazione.
Col passare del tempo poi le emozioni si attenuano e la situazione prima percepita come critica si stabilizza. Contemporaneamente le emozioni perdono sempre più intensità e cominciano a fondersi le une nelle altre, ed è proprio grazie a questo sovrapporsi che diventa possibile pensare alla propria separazione con meno sofferenza e in maniera più realistica.
Un lutto non adeguatamente elaborato può trasformare una separazione in una guerra infinita ed estremamente dolorosa, non solo per gli ex-coniugi ma soprattutto per i figli. I partner sarebbero dominati da stati emotivi fluttuanti e antitetici di amore, rabbia e tristezza e agirebbero sulla base della sensazione di quel preciso momento. Si creerebbe così una situazione ciclica e interminabile, povera di coerenza e senza un fine preciso.
Occorre però tenere presente che anche le espressioni più violente di questi sentimenti rappresentano delle manifestazioni del lutto e della lotta che si sta intraprendendo in un susseguirsi di tentativi di uscita da esso e di ristabilire un contatto con l’altro.
Infine è opportuno ricordare che ogni matrimonio, e quindi anche ogni separazione, coinvolge due persone, nessuna delle quali può essere incolpata in toto del fallimento, ma soprattutto entrambe impegnate nello stesso processo emotivo, anche se talvolta in punti differenti dell’elaborazione del lutto.
1 Emery R. E. (2004) “La verità sui figli e il divorzio. Gestire le emozioni per crescere insieme”, ed. Franco Angeli.
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