I bambini sono speciali. Spesso molto acuti e sensibili.
E’ per questo che molto spesso essi sono già al corrente che qualcosa non va nella loro famiglia quando i genitori gliene parlano.
Due sono i fattori1 fondamentali in situazioni di separazione ed in relazione ai figli.
Innanzitutto occorre aspettare di essere sicuri che la propria decisione sia definitiva, onde evitare di fornire informazioni errate o suscitare aspettative che verranno poi deluse. Questo garantisce anche un lasso di tempo utile per apprendere a gestire le proprie emozioni provocate dalla decisione e per concordare con il partner circa i modi e tempi della comunicazione ai figli.
Ancor più importante è che gli ex-coniugi abbiano stabilito accordi di natura pratica in merito a dove ciascuno andrà a vivere e quando vedranno i figli.
Superfluo forse sottolineare l’importanza della presenza di entrambi i genitori durante la comunicazione ai figli.
Inoltre è consigliabile che i genitori si comportino adottando un fronte comune davanti ai propri figli. Essi hanno bisogno di spiegazioni brevi e semplici, poiché al dirà della loro età, sono e restano sempre dei bambini. In quanto tali, hanno bisogno di riconoscere nei propri genitori una guida, soprattutto nei momenti critici come lo è una separazione. Pertanto la spiegazione delle dinamiche della separazione andrebbe adattata su misura per la loro età.
Di seguito, alcune linee guida per i genitori che devono affrontare questo argomento con i propri figli.
Rassicurazione
Per i bambini questo è un momento di grande shock e incertezza.
Viene sconvolta la loro vita e la loro idea di famiglia, l’unica che essi hanno conosciuto finora. Hanno, quindi, un enorme bisogno di essere rassicurati circa la permanenza di entrambi i genitori e sull’amore che provano e proveranno per loro. Infatti, anche a seguito della separazione, essi non smetteranno mai di essere genitori.
Emozioni
Le emozioni che insorgono a seguito di una separazione sono numerose e spesso rappresentano una novità per i bambini.
I genitori hanno il compito di spiegare cosa sta accadendo: attraverso la condivisione dei propri sentimenti in primis, possono suggerire ai propri figli come capire il loro stato d’animo, aiutarli a dare un nome alle proprie emozioni e dar loro spazio per esprimere ciò che provano. E’ importante che i bambini comprendano che gli è concesso provare ciò che provano e che esprimendolo non incorrono nelle ire dei genitori o nel rischio di venire sgridati.
Onestà
Oltre alle informazioni più adeguate e adatte all’età del bambino, è consigliabile essere sinceri il più possibile e includere un numero limitato di dettagli.
E’ un momento molto delicato per loro, che molto probabilmente ricorderanno per lungo tempo. Le bugie potrebbero ritorcersi in futuro contro i genitori stessi.
Può essere utile parlare individualmente ai bambini più grandi per fornire loro spiegazioni più dettagliate. Essi però devono essere in grado di mantenere segrete tali conversazioni per il bene dei fratelli minori, che è giusto apprendano alcune informazioni ad un’età più consona. Ci saranno nuove opportunità in futuro per affrontare l’argomento e fornire ulteriori spiegazioni, grazie anche alla maturazione cognitiva ed emotiva.
Occorre anche essere chiari e precisi circa cosa accadrà loro e quali saranno le conseguenze delle decisioni dei genitori. In questo modo si possono evitare inutili paure e ipotesi infondate riguardo il futuro.
Comunicazione
La modalità con cui viene comunicata la notizia ai bambini è molto importante. Al di là del contenuto e delle parole che sicuramente occorre scegliere con cura, anche il linguaggio non verbale è un aspetto rilevante. Occorre controllare quindi il linguaggio del corpo, il tono di voce e la propria gestualità. Ad esempio, può essere utile ascoltare il partner mentre parla ed evitare di interromperlo, oppure fare delle pause per dare spazio ai bambini per porre domande o manifestare le proprie reazioni.
Questo può risultare utile anche per capire che effetti ha avuto la comunicazione sui bambini.
Tempo
I bambini hanno una diversa percezione del tempo rispetto agli adulti. Occorre valutare bene le tempistiche, evitando così che, a causa di una comunicazione anticipata, essi si sentano intrappolati in una situazione scomoda.
Quindi più i bambini sono piccoli, più è consigliabile aspettare e fare la comunicazione a ridosso della separazione vera e propria.
Inoltre è opportuno lasciar passare un po’ di tempo dopo la primissima comunicazione, in modo che la notizia possa venire elaborata.
Vi è sempre una differenza tra comprensione intellettiva ed emotiva di un evento da parte di un bambino. Quest’ultima richiede più tempo e spesso può suscitare emozioni a posteriori.
Domande
I bambini hanno menti molto attive e sicuramente creeranno una loro interpretazione della situazione. E’ dunque importante che abbiano la possibilità di porre domande in merito, sia al momento della comunicazione che in seguito, ed esporre i propri dubbi.
Occorre però prestare attenzione ad evitare forzature o risposte a domande mai poste.
Controllo
I genitori devono accettare di avere un controllo limitato sulle reazioni che i bambini possono avere. Indipendentemente da quanto detto loro e dalle precauzioni prese, i bambini hanno la capacità di sorprendere. Risulta necessario accettare anche gli imprevisti e cercare di affrontarli al meglio.
In conclusione, a prescindere dal rapporto che avranno gli ex-coniugi, è importante che ciascun genitore dia spazio ai figli per parlare delle proprie preoccupazioni e aspettative.
I bambini hanno un estremo bisogno di stabilità.
I genitori hanno l’arduo compito di mantenerla, proprio in occasione di una separazione dove tutte le certezze vengono meno e le convinzioni messe in discussione.
I suggerimenti sopra proposti possono costituire una solida base di partenza.
1 Emery R. E. (2004) “La verità sui figli e il divorzio. Gestire le emozioni per crescere insieme”, ed. Franco Angeli.
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