L’altro giorno, a pranzo, il discorso di due ragazze sedute al tavolo accanto al mio ha attirato la mia attenzione. Una raccontava all’altra della separazione dal marito e della difficoltà di questo periodo dell’anno.
Le feste portano sempre l’attenzione sui familiari e in particolare il Natale rappresenta la festa della famiglia. E’ possibile quindi che persone che attraversano periodi difficili in questo ambito si sentano frequentemente tristi o depresse.
Una separazione1 rappresenta il momento esatto in cui le visioni dei due coniugi rispetto al matrimonio raggiungono un punto di collisione. E’ in questo momento che cadono i veli dell’amore e ciascuno vede l’altro sotto una nuova luce. Si può dire che i coniugi stanno guardando in faccia la realtà per la prima volta, oppure si stanno addentrando in una nuova e distorta illusione.
Il percorso verso la separazione è caratterizzato da un insieme molto vasto di emozioni contraddittorie. Esse nascono dal tentativo di accettare la perdita ed eventualmente di riconciliarsi con chi si ama. La presenza dei figli in comune inoltre aumenta l’intensità delle emozioni e porta a giocare una partita diversa con regole diverse.
Quando finisce una relazione è comune sperimentare, attraverso la rabbia, il desiderio di non aver mai conosciuto l’ex-coniuge, di cambiare numero di telefono. Ma anche trasferirsi in un’altra città, fingere di non essersi mai sposati o che il proprio figlio avesse avuto un altro genitore.
Per quanto sembri difficile pensarlo, le famiglie separate sono sempre delle famiglie. Grazie anche ai figli, l’essere una famiglia non cesserà mai.
Ecco dunque che si viene a delineare il compito più duro per gli ex-coniugi: modificare e ridefinire il rapporto di coppia, integrando una nuova concezione della famiglia assieme agli altri membri.
Spesso questo si traduce nel rafforzare la relazione di co-genitorialità con l’ex-coniuge quando in realtà si vorrebbe ridurre al minimo ogni tipo di contatto. Occorre quindi trovare un equilibrio adatto a uno stile relazionale che consenta a entrambi di esercitare il proprio ruolo genitoriale in un clima cooperativo.
Il primo passo da fare è quello di cercare la negoziazione con l’ex-coniuge, in modo da gettare le basi per questo nuovo tipo di relazione.
Si possono identificare due elementi fondamentali per raggiungere una relazione genitoriale solida tra ex-coniugi: comprendere le proprie emozioni e stabilire dei confini.
Riguardo il comprendere le proprie emozioni, un buon punto di partenza sarebbe quello di tenere presente che anche l’ex-coniuge sta sperimentando delle emozioni molto intense e che probabilmente saranno diverse dalle proprie.
Ecco di seguito alcuni suggerimenti che possono risultare utili 1 :
- cercare di non cadere nei giochi dell’altro e riconoscere un’esca;
- tentare di mantenere la calma e non configgere con l’altro, in modo che chi ha cominciato il conflitto si ritrovi senza armi;
- tenere le distanze sia dal punto di vista fisico che emotivo, utilizzando un linguaggio conciso e formale fatto di conversazioni brevi e concentrate sui figli;
- scegliere le questione per cui vale la pena battersi, traducendola però in conversazioni e negoziazioni, perché è solo non combattendo che i bambini vincono;
- evitare discussioni, attacchi o accuse di fronte ai bambini, privilegiando affermazioni positive;
- affrontare il proprio dolore e le proprie paure, riconoscendo le proprie emozioni e intraprendendo il percorso verso l’accettazione;
- non focalizzarsi sui torti subiti o ai fallimenti, ma cercare di pensare a cosa si può imparare da questa esperienza e correggere di se stessi;
- concedere spazio nel proprio cuore ai pensieri positivi, come i ricordi e le memorie di famiglia.
I confini sono un altro elemento fondamentale nella creazione di questo nuovo equilibrio con l’ex-coniuge.
Durante una separazione, le coppie si trovano a rivedere i confini della propria relazione. Talvolta può risultare complicato a causa dei numerosi livelli implicati, sia individuali come tra moglie e marito o tra madre e padre, sia interpersonali come tra coniugi e relativi genitori.
Questa ri-negoziazione può essere discussa tra gli ex-coniugi oppure si può evolvere e modificare naturalmente durante il percorso.
Quando la coppia ha alle spalle una storia di lunga data e ha sviluppato una buona sintonia, basta uno sguardo per capire se il confine sia stato violato, se il partner ha bisogno di spazio o di maggiore vicinanza.
I confini vengono creati anche attorno alla famiglia e servono a regolare le relazioni del nucleo con l’esterno, con amici e colleghi di lavoro. Essi si manifestano attraversano la frequenza e la tipologia di incontri effettuati.
I genitori solitamente creano anche dei confini attorno a loro stessi in quanto coppia genitoriale. Consistono in piccole norme del rapporto di coppia che regolano i rapporti di entrambi i genitori nei confronti dei figli e della loro educazione, per cui spesso occorre porsi come fronte comune.
In situazioni di separazione, i confini si spostano e talvolta si sfaldano. Ciascuno può creare un confine più netto attorno a sé al fine di prendere le distanze o proteggersi dal partner. Le relazioni con gli altri esterni alla famiglia talvolta diventano più strette e intime.
Può anche capitare che i genitori si sentano soli nell’educazione dei figli, privati di quel confine che prima li univa all’ex-coniuge.
I confini assumono particolare importanza in queste occasioni poiché aiutano le persone a capire dove collocarsi all’interno di relazioni in continua trasformazione e dove tutto appare nuovo.
La cosa migliore che gli ex-coniugi possono fare per se stessi e i propri figli è definire con chiarezza la situazione, in modo che non si verifichino repentini e improvvisi fraintendimenti o addirittura violazione dei confini. Solo così aiuteranno i propri figli ad accettare la situazione.
1 Emery R. E. (2004) “La verità sui figli e il divorzio. Gestire le emozioni per crescere insieme”, ed. Franco Angeli.
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