Ogni bambino è unico.
Non è possibile prevederne la reazione di fronte alla separazione dei genitori.
La sua esperienza in merito a questo evento si modificherà essa stessa nel corso del tempo a seconda di numerosi fattori che possono intercorrere.
Tuttavia i genitori possono tenere conto di alcune informazioni1 che risultano essere predominanti nella maggior parte dei figli di coppie separate.
Sicuramente separazione è sinonimo di grande cambiamento per un bambino. Spesso traumatico, poiché egli può essere direttamente toccato dalle conseguenze del conflitto tra i genitori. Capita spesso che debba abbandonare la sua casa, lasciare la sua scuola e i compagni per introdursi in un nuovo ambiente educativo. Può anche sperimentare le conseguenze legate a difficoltà economiche. Può “perdere” o allontanarsi da un genitore, il quale vedrà ridotta notevolmente la sua autorità.
La separazione viene anche percepita dal bambino come una perdita. La sua famiglia, tutto ciò che egli conosce e in cui si sente protetto, si spezza e svanisce in poco tempo.
Dunque anche i figli sperimentano un lutto. Il lutto per la famiglia così come l’hanno sempre conosciuta fino a quel momento.
E’ a questo punto che essi si vedono costretti a trovare una nuova base sicura, dove sentirsi tranquilli e a proprio agio, su cui possono fare affidamento e che garantisca nuovamente loro di riacquistare sicurezza.
Inoltre, un evento critico come la separazione, se percepito in modo traumatico, li espone a una maggiore probabilità di sviluppare problematiche. Queste ultime possono riguardare la sfera psicologica, scolastica, sociale o comportamentale.
Infine, occorre tenere presente la natura dolorosa di questo evento. Nonostante tutto quello che può fare un genitore per proteggere il figlio e agevolare il passaggio a questa nuova situazione, è inevitabile che egli sperimenti una certa dose di sofferenza.
A questo proposito, vorrei portare l’attenzione sui quei bambini che reagiscono ad una separazione prendendosi cura dei familiari o della casa, facendo da mediatori nei conflitti dei genitori, oppure aiutandoli a gestire le loro emozioni.
Questi bambini possono definirsi “parentificati” o “adultizzati”, poiché svolgono le funzioni genitoriali al posto della coppia di coniugi.
A prima vista può sembrare che questi bambini stiano affrontando lo stress e il lutto in maniera adeguata e spesso sorprendente per la loro età. Non piangono la notte, non sentono la mancanza o chiedono del genitore che si è allontanato, il rendimento scolastico non subisce alcuna variazione, si mostrano sempre disposti ad ascoltare i problemi dei genitori. Inoltre, talvolta svolgono mansioni casalinghe di competenza degli adulti senza lamentarsi, si mostrano indifferenti alla separazione, sono frenati nell’espressione delle proprie emozioni per timore di ferire il genitore o di eventuali conseguenze.
Ciò può ingannare gli adulti, i quali possono pensare che il figlio stia scoprendo e utilizzando nuove risorse personali.
Essi possono sembrare forti e maturi, ma non è questa la strada più adeguata da intraprendere per un bambino.
Si tratta dunque di un forte campanello di allarme.
Questi bambini, in realtà, si sentono sovraccaricati dalla responsabilità delle sorti della famiglia. Responsabilità assolutamente inappropriata per un figlio, qualunque sia la sua età.
Il risultato sarebbe quello di crescere troppo velocemente, bruciando o addirittura saltando appieno tappe evolutive fondamentali per la crescita e per lo sviluppo della personalità. Tappe che torneranno in futuro a chiedere di pagarne lo scotto.
Questa situazione può quindi portare a serie conseguenze sulla salute mentale del bambino a lungo termine.
La cosa migliore che possono fare i genitori in queste situazioni è lasciare che i bambini facciano i bambini. Infatti un bambino resiliente in una situazione di stress si riconosce grazie alla sua immutata capacità di essere bambino. In altre parole, egli continua ad andare d’accordo con amici e insegnanti, permangono le consuete richieste della vita quotidiana, porta a termine i compiti che gli vengono assegnati sia a scuola che a casa, non senza qualche brontolio o lamentela. Inoltre talvolta si mette nei guai, fa esperienza delle medesime difficoltà e problemi di crescita dei suoi coetanei, non fa mancare i capricci e sperimenta ed esprime la sofferenza legata a questo particolare periodo di stress senza freni. Soprattutto non mancano i momenti di pianto in cui essi mostrano di essere in contatto col proprio dolore e le domande circa l’assenza del genitore che si è allontanato.
I genitori in fase di separazione hanno il compito di farsi carico di numerose responsabilità, tra cui quella di garantire ai bambini i propri diritti anche in un periodo così difficile e stressante. Non esiste nessuna legge che tuteli i bambini durante una separazione, ma è obbligo e dovere di ciascun genitore.
Ecco qualche idea su cui riflettere 1 .
Tutti i bambini, figli di genitori separati o divorziati, hanno il diritto di:
- amare e godere dell’amore di entrambi i genitori, senza sentirsi in colpa o biasimati;
- essere protetti dalla rabbia e dai conflitti dei genitori;
- non essere costretti a scegliere uno tra i due genitori in merito alla casa in cui vivere;
- non essere i confidenti o anche solo gli uditori delle lamentele di un genitore verso l’altro;
- non essere responsabili delle sorti della famiglia o dover sopportare il peso dei problemi dei genitori;
- essere informati in anticipo circa i cambiamenti che avverranno nella loro vita;
- ricevere un adeguato mantenimento durante l’infanzia e per tutti gli anni della loro formazione scolastica;
- poter esprimere liberamente le proprie emozioni, anche se negative, e parlare della separazione con entrambi i genitori;
- condurre una vita che sia il più simile possibile a quella che avrebbe vissuto se i genitori non si fossero separati;
- essere bambini.
1 Emery R. E. (2004) “La verità sui figli e il divorzio. Gestire le emozioni per crescere insieme”, ed. Franco Angeli.
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